Dear Board of Education,

I have been a school administrator for 37 years, and I feel that school is just too soft on kids these days. More and more kids are pushed into higher-level classes and just sleep through them. In my opinion, school should be a struggle. Children need to be pushed to their breaking point and beyond. After all, school is supposed to prepare children for life, and life is full of hardship. I would know. I’ve had to work hard to get where I am today. Do you know how boring it is to wait for your dad to die so you can claim his fortune? It’s worse than watching paint dry.

I really take a lot of inspiration from how colleges and private schools work. It’s so smart to charge the students directly for their education, rather than dealing with governmental bureaucracy. I’d rather make my own bureaucracy. It’s so irritating that public schools have to be “accessible to all.” The football team needs more money! How should I go about getting my students to pay for these extremely necessary costs?

Sincerely,

Irritated and Concerned

Dear Irritated,

I completely agree with your concerns. Kids are most definitely softer these days. Back in my day, if you messed up in class, the teachers would beat you bloody. But nowadays, people are worried about “mental health”. A little bit of stress is good for you. You know what they say, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

Now what I’ve heard helps is something called standardized testing. The Scholastic Assessment Test has been found to be the best way to put an incredibly diverse group of people into boxes that will change their entire futures and are biased towards the already privileged. This can solve all your problems at once. Design the test to be purposely confusing so the students will struggle. Give them a short amount of time to add even more stress. To make these tests more relevant, make colleges sign on, basing a lot of their acceptance on it. These tests can also help bring in revenue. Even if you only charge a little for each test, it will add up, especially if students have to take it multiple times. The real money, though, is in preparation for the tests. If you hire some tutors and charge students exorbitant prices to use their services, you’ll be rolling in it in no time. It’s really a win-win. You get lots of cash and your students are pushed to their limits, psychologically and financially. 

Sincerely,

The Board